Looking inside the girl
by Nimi-Nimisha
Summary: Hermione is suffering deep inside. She's not sure of her place in the world anymore, and cannot find the right path back to the light. Warning, contains graphic scenes.
1. Meeting the problem

Disclaimer: I own everything in the world. That is why I am posting my writing on a free site...  
  
A/N This is my first attempt! Please review or no more updates! Lemme know if the switching view points is too confusing and I'll stop. The are thoughts until I can figure out how to get italic

* * *

Hermione looked around the now empty common room. She hadn't realized how late it was getting until she found herself alone. She sighed, packed up her books and went up to her room. It was 4am already, and she wanted to get up at 6 to head to the library before Harry and Ron were awake.

* * *

Harry rubbed his eyes. Morning again? I need to go to bed earlier. He made sure Ron was awake before he got dressed and headed down to the common room. When he got there he there were only a few people around. He spotted Ginny finishing up some homework in the corner.

* * *

"Ginny, is Hermione up yet?" Harry asked her once he was close enough not to shout. Ginny looked up at him and her serious look turned to a sad one that puzzled Harry.   
"Yea, she's up. Since about 6! I think she's been doing that for a few weeks now. I asked Sir Nick yesterday if he saw her in the kitchen much, and he told me she's never been down there. I don't see how else she's getting breakfast if not there." Ron had down by now and was listening to Ginny.   
"But she never has lunch, says she has a big breakfast to make up for it." Ron said, unable to fathom why anyone would want to miss food. Ginny started to say something, but the common room had started to fill and she just went back to her homework.

* * *

"Hermione!" Sir Nick called out. Hermione jumped, not expecting anyone in the library at this hour.   
"Sir Nicolas, what are you doing here? Why.. don't.. aren't you normally in the great hall at this hour?" She chocked out the question, it sounding far too much like an excuse. In fact, Sir Nick did give her an odd look.  
"Aren't you?" He retorted. Hermione buried herself in Magical Ways to Make You a Better You until he left. She kept reading until it was almost time for potions.

* * *

Ron and Harry left the Great Hall early, hoping to talk to Hermione before class started. They had been waiting outside the door for 5 minutes when Snape arrived.   
"This looks rather... suspicious. Potter and Weasley, early for class. 10 points from Gryffindor." Ron started to say something about how it wasn't fair that they would lose points for being early, but Snape was walking away and Hermione was walking towards them. Ron and Harry took off towards her and they watched her turn a shade paler, then red.   
"Hermione, what's going on?" Harry got out first.   
"What do you mean 'What's going on'?" She retorted.   
"Hermione, Ginny says that your not eating." Ron accused her. Hermione didn't say anything for a second, and she turned pale again. But then she light up.   
"Oh, she's just jealous that I'm always with you Ron, and you're ignoring her. Well, teasing her really. You should really try to be nicer to her, Ron, and you too Harry. I mean really, you'd think you two didn't realize girls had feelings the way you act."

* * *

Well that actually sounded convincing! Hermione thought, pleased with herself. The boys actually looked like they felt bad for teasing Ginny! You lied to them Mione. You lied to your best friends. This thought came with out bidding. Yes but with good cause. She sat down and pushed this argument out of her head. She had to keep her wits about her in this class if she was to get an A.  



	2. Cut from the past

Again, not mine. Sorry the long delay, I was writing a short fanfic for a challenge in 

The New Girl, One Night Stand, Why Should It Matter? and Desperate, THANKS!

Enjoy!

---------------------------------

After potions Hermione ran off, literately, saying something about homework. Ron and Harry just stared after her.

"There's something wrong with that girl." Ron was saying, but Harry wasn't listening. "Harry?" Ron poked him hard in the ribs.

"What?" Harry almost yelled.

"What do you think is going on with Hermione? She looks a little off to me." Ron said meekly.

"I don't know mate. Probably studying too hard." Harry said, shaking his head.

--------------------------------

They don't care. Hermione was in the girls lavatory, crying. No one ever came in this bathroom except for her because of moaning Murtle. Lately Hermione has been too depressing even for her though, and just sat up in the corner watching her.

They didn't even bother to chase after you. These thoughts flowed from Hermione's brain as fast as the tears. Sitting in a stall, she rummaged through her bag and found a broken shard of glass, wrapped up in tissue. She lifted her robes, a sliced her leg with it. Even though she knew how, she wouldn't do a healing spell on it. She just watched the blood drip down her leg and to the floor. You deserve this. You're a failure. You should die, but your too chicken. She just sat there crying, and when it was close to time for next class, she taped some tissues to her leg and ran off.

----------------------------------

Ron and Harry were already in Herbology when Hermione came in, looking more pale then ever. She was favoring her left leg, and looked like she had been crying.

"Harry, she can't be well." Ron whispered, but before Harry could say anything class had started.

About half way through attempting to plant some particularly nasty seeds that liked to bite, Harry noticed Hermione was starting to wobble. Raising her hand, she asked to be excused from class, then limped out of the greenhouse.

-----------------------------------

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!" Hermione said all the way to the lavatory. She knew why she was weak. She hadn't eaten in 2 days, and she was still bleeding. I should of fixed that cut before I left. She got into her stall and lifted the make-shift bandage, and saw that the blood was still pouring out. Must of hit a vein or something. Casting a simple spell the flow of blood stemed and she felt a bit better. How did I get into this mess? 

--------------------------------

--------------------------------

(A/N Flash back)

"Hermione, can you pass the sirup?" Ron asked, his mouth still full of pancakes.

"Harry you do it, I don't want to get my hands sticky." Hermione said, absently stuffing another bit of fruit in her mouth. She was reading Teen Witch, doing the 'Are you on your way to a more beautiful you?' quiz. Ron looked over at it, seeing her dismal score on the test.

"The only tests you ever fail are in those magazines!" Ron laughed, and Hermione shot him an evil look. Ginny looked up from her breakfast too see what Hermione was reading.

" 'Mionie, Mum says the only thing those Magazines are good for is lowering your self esteem so you buy all their stupid products." Ginny reached over to take it but Hermione had shoved it in her bag.

"I'm going to head to the library now." She said quickly and ran off.

"Aren't you going to finish your breakfast?" Ron called after her.

------------------------------

"He's right you know. You are a failure." Hermione said softly to herself, as she search the library for a book to help. "Maybe if you didn't spend so much fucking time studying you'd have a boyfriend. Spent more time taking care of yourself."

"Wow, the mudblood knows how to curse." Hermione spun around to find herself face to face with Draco.

"What do you want Draco?" She spat out the name like poison.

"Temper temper dear. I was just enjoying your little moment there. Seems to me Miss Hermione Granger has finally discovered she isn't so perfect after all. About time too. Everyone else knew it. Only guy who ever wanted anything to do with you was the Krum fellow, and we all know how that ended, don't we." Hermione's eyes filled with tears. She didn't think anyone else knew about that. Krum had cheated on her over the summer, and she arrived at his place in July to find him in bed with another girl. When they talked after Krum said it was her fault anyway, if she had paid attention to his needs he wouldn't have needed anyone else. He then told her to get lost, for she was just a little girl who no man would want.

"You don't know anything Draco." Hermione said, but it was weak, and Draco just laughed.

"Mudblood, you don't belong in this world and you know it. You just a tag along to you little Quidditch playing friends. You can barely even fly a broom! You couldn't even handle your heavy work load in your 3rd year could you. You think your so great mudblood, but we all know better." With that Draco threw a book at her, and glided out of the library. Hermione looked at the cover, 'Magical Ways to Make You a Better You'.

--------------------------------

Hermione had read the book cover to cover, and realized she was the exact opposite of what she should be. She found out she was over weight, her nails were done wrong, and that she should be spending more time on her hair. Well this should be easy to fix. I'll skip breakfast, and cut out the sweets. That'll solve the weight problem. And I'm sure there's spells for the nails and hair. Hermione went back to the library to do more research. After the 3rd book she realized she had her work cut out for her.

---------------------------------

Ginny ran up to Ron and Harry. "Have you guys seen Hermione?" She panted

"No, why?" Harry asked, looking up from his Potions homework.

"Not recently." Ron added.

Ginny shook her head. "I don't know, I've got a bad feeling. Ever since a couple of weeks ago she's been acting odd."

"I'm sure it's nothing. All the professors decided to asign work at the same time. That's probably it." Harry said, but he looked worried too.

"I'm going to go find her." Ginny said and walked away.

--------------------------------

She found Hermione in her room, crying. Ginny sat on her bed and rubbed her back until she calmed down. "What's wrong Hermione?" She asked quietly.

"I'm good at everything else, but I can't be pretty. It's not fair." Hermione sighed and turned over on her back, letting Ginny see what she was reading. 'You too can be beautiful!'

Ginny shook her head. "You already are beautiful, in your own way." Hermione just sighed, and Ginny realized she had fallen asleep. That's odd, it's only 8 o'clock. 

-----------------------------------

It's been a month, and you've only lost 10 pounds. What kind of witch do you think yourself as? Hermione was sat in the girl's loo, crying. Murtle wasn't anywhere to be seen, which was odd. You are a failure. You need to be punished. She hit herself in the leg, which hurt. But at the same time she felt a surge of life she hadn't felt in a long time. She did it again, harder. The pain felt real, like a cold shower waking her up. She could already see the bruise forming from the second hit. But it wasn't enough. She looked around, and saw the mirror. Without a second thought she punched the mirror with all she could, shattering it. She took on of the pieces, raised up her gown, and sliced her leg. Pain washed through her but Hermione was smiling. This would be her nurishment.

------------------------------------

------------------------------------

(A/N) The long awaited second chapter! It's longer, w00t! The next chapter will be here faster. Sorry if the grammars's off, I'm using Word Pad at the moment for writing.


	3. A plan

Err… Sorry! Wow, so long without an update. If it wasn't for the reviews I'd have forgot about it entirely! Damn university, getting in the way of the more important things. Anyway, on with the story!

-----------------------------------------------

Ginny was pulling Ron by the ear into the common room. Seeing as it was Christmas time not many people were still in the castle, and no one from Gryffindor besides the Wesley's, Harry, and Hermione had stayed. Harry looked up from polishing his broom at the sound of Ron protesting.

"Ginny! What the blazes has gotten into you?" Ron cried, and then looked at Harry. "She's gone mad I tell you! Mad!"

At this Ginny all but threw Ron into the chair beside Harry. "You're all a bunch of ninnies, you know that?" She looked ready to curse the two of them, but then looked sad again, and sighed.

"Ginny, is everything alright?" Harry asked tentatively. What the bugger is going on with that girl, she's as moody as Hermione>> he thought, puzzled, not by Ginny's anger, but by her not cursing one of them.

"No Harry, it isn't. I think Hermione might be planning to do something, but I don't know what. My gut tells me it's bad." She said, staring at the fire.

"Shouldn't we (gulp) tell someone?" Ron asked, wide eyed. Something about Ginny's tone was eerie, and made them fearful.

Ginny just sighed "tell them what? We have no proof."

-----------------------------------------------

Hermione was in the library again. She had stolen Harry's enchanted map, so she knew she was alone and that no one was coming. She knew what she was about to do was illegal, but she didn't care anymore.

Love Potion

Warning, this potion does not bring true love to the persons affected. It only brings temporary lust to the person it is applied to.

Hermione read this warning, but then disregarded it. She would make someone love her. How did I get to this point, where I was willing to do this to my best friend.>> she thought, feeling uneasy about the potion she was making. No, you have to. You're the smartest witch of your age aren't you? THIS will prove Draco wrong! Once that is done, then I can rest and go back to school work.>> She had come to realize a few weeks before that that was her true problem. Some how she had equated Draco with being all men, but the idea of sleeping with him was too repulsive.

It took 3 days of seclusion, but soon her potion was done. And just in time too, as the Wesleys would be gone for the day. This is wrong>> she thought nervously as she nibbled on her toast with the clan. Ginny seemed overly joyed that she was eating, but with Mrs. Wesley at the table, she didn't have much choice. Hermione went over the potions instructions in her head over and over, until it became almost a chant, drowning out the idle chat of the red heads around her. When you've chosen your favorite target, a simple dab will get you started. Put the liquid on your finger, touch his lips and draw him nearer.>>

-----------------------------------------------

After breakfast all the red heads left, and her and Harry wandered to the common room.

"Its good to have you back around Mione." Harry said quietly, staring at her.

"Yes, well, just because you and Ron leave things to the last minute doesn't mean I do." Hermione spat out of habit. She had become so good at lying to her best friends that it didn't even take effort anymore. She tried to soften her words by motioning the wizard's chess board. "Care to be beaten?"

-----------------------------------------------

Ok, Quick update. If it's total crap let me know and I'll remove it and put a bit more effort into it. Don't worry; the angst is (sort of) coming to a close. But the drama is nowhere near finished! Sorry if this seems somewhat un Hermione like, but I think I did an ok job of it! I PROMISE More is on the way. I know this one went fast, but I want to leave the world of angst soon.


	4. Turning it around

Since the last chapter was so short, I'm updating again today! Thanks for the reviews already!

---------------------------------------------------

Harry stared at Hermione as she tried to think of a way to counter a sure check mate. She seems so uneasy about everything lately, and he had sneaked a look at one of her tests which had been graded B-. For him or Ron that would have been great, but for Hermione, it was unheard of. And something Draco had said to him in the hall a couple of weeks back dragged on his mind. What could he have meant by that?>> Harry wondered. "The great Harry Potter, can defeat the great Lord, but not save his little mud blood friend." What mud bloods needed saving? Surely not the strong girl in front of me?>> He looked hard at her again, and sighed. Feeling bubbled at the surface but he pushed them down. She's my best mate, and my other best mate's best mate.>>

"A ha!" Hermione cried, moving her pawn in triumph, and pulling Harry from his thoughts. Upon closer inspection he saw that he had completely thwarted his plan, leaving him on the run.

"Bloody hell Hermione, how did you see that? I didn't even see it!" Harry complained, and put his entire mind on the chess game. While he was concentrating he thought he could smell something almost sickly sweet, but put that out of his mind as well. Be damned if he was going to let a girl beat him.

---------------------------------------------------

Hermione looked at Harry concentrating so hard, and saw her opportunity. She took out the bottle of potion she had slaved over and opened it under the table. She was sure the smell would cause him to look around, and he did visible sniff at it, but kept looking at the board. Taking a deep breath she put her finger over the lid of the bottle and tipped it upside down. She could feel her finger tingling, and she could feel the effect on her own libido.

She slid over to Harry breathing on the back of his neck. Harry squirmed, and finally looked up at her, catching her eyes.

"Mione? Uuuh... What are.. Ummm… huh?" He stuttered out. Hermione raised her finger to his lips, and his eyes went wide. Oh god, what have I done?>> was all Hermione could think.

---------------------------------------------------

Harry watched his best mate raise her finger to his mouth. There was something very different about her from just 5 minutes ago. The sudden change was scary really, but at the same time he was intrigued. Then the finger touched his lips and his mind exploded. All he could think about was where the nearest bed was. Harry what are you doing, this isn't natural! Stop it!>> this thought came through the thick fog of his head as he was roughly wrapping his arms around Hermione. Sickly sweet… damnnit!>>

"Hermione… love potion?" Harry gasped out. It was hard to speak when all he wanted to do was kiss this girl.

"Harry, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't of. I don't muhf" Hermione tried to apologize, but her words were cut off by Harry's mouth on hers. No more words could come to her mind for with the kiss the potion took its hold on her.

The kissing lasted for about 5 minutes before Hermione torn Harry's shirt off. Potion or no potion, seeing Harry's well defined chest would be enough to drive anyone over the edge. Hermione knocked him over, and straddling him kept kissing with renewed vigor. She was vagly aware of Harry pulling her shirt off as well, and that her knickers were following. She only realized that they were both stark naked when Harry lifted her up and put her on her back on the couch. Some voice was screaming in the back of her head for attention, but then Harry entered her and there was nothing more to think about.

---------------------------------------------------

Hermione awoke almost an hour later, with a bad headache. She evaluated the scene in the common room. Their clothes were strewn everywhere, and Harry was still inside her. He looked so peaceful, and was smiling. One arm was dangling down the couch, the other was under her head, and his head was resting on her very naked chest. He won't be smiling when he actually wakes up. God how could you be so stupid. And you can't even run off because you can't get up unless you wake him!>> Sighing, Hermione gently prodded Harry. He slowly woke up, and when his senses finally returned he jumped off her with a start.

"Mione! What the hell happened! What did you do?" Harry said quietly, putting his pants back on. On the word do, he stared right into her eyes.

"Harry, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I thought that if I slept with you Draco wouldn't think I was a prude anymore. I know shagging with him would have worked too, but I already liked you, and I hate him, and I could stand the though of even touching him, but I already liked you, but I knew you'd say no, because you have no feelings for me, cuz I'm just a fat ugly mud blood." Hermione realized she had just spilled what she had kept inside for all these months, and looked at Harry with tears in her eyes. His mouth was hanging open.

"You liked me?" was all he could think to say, but then shook his head. "Wait, Mione, you're beautiful, and too thin if you ask me. We've all been worried sick about the weight you've been losing, but didn't know who to tell. Put some clothes on, we're going to see Madam Pomfrey."

"Harry, I can't, what if she founds out I used that potion. The effects take two hours to totally wear off!" This wasn't true, the potion only lasts about 20 minutes, but Hermione was desperate not to go see anyone about her weight. They'd make her fat. But deep inside she knew she had to, she was getting very sick and tired of the life style she had created for herself, and knew she needed help. "Harry, don't you hate me?"

"No Mione. I'm a tad ticked off for sure, but…" Harry blushed as red as Ron's hair and refused to finish the sentence.

"So you won't tell anyone about it? I should have just asked you…"

"You're right you should of Hermione. I probably wouldn't have said no." With those words he kissed her again, and again, until Hermione wasn't sure that the potion was worn off. Especially when clothes started being shed again, and round two commenced.

---------------------------------------------------

Sitting in Madam Pomfrey's examination room, Hermione was very nervous. She knew Pomfrey had run off to get the Headmaster, after declaring her very sickly. Harry was stood beside her bed holding her hand. The memory of Harry holding her closely until that hour until he thought the potion was worn off was still fresh. He had asked her to be his girlfriend officially, and she had accepted. But the he still forced her to come here.

Very quickly Dumbledore followed Pomfrey to her bed. He looked at her with great sadness.

"Hermione, Pomfrey has told me about your condition. I fear I haven't kept as close an eye on my best student as I should have. Your slipping marks should have warned me, but I had assumed a distraction of a more… romantic nature." At this he looked over his glasses at Harry.

"What's wrong with her Professor?" Harry asked quietly.

"Anorexia, though luckily not in the worst stages. Her recovery should go well, with lots of support." He looked back at Hermione. "Hermione, do you wish to get better?"

Harry was surprised when she didn't immediately answer, unable to fathom that she may not want to get better. But after a few seconds she meekly said "yes" before bursting into tears.

"I will have to tell Molly. But if you wish I will not tell your own parents." Dumbledore said gently. Hermione just nodded.

---------------------------------------------------

(Two weeks later)

"Harry and Ron! How are you going to get your essays finished if you don't stop playing still games?" Hermione yelled, as Ron tried to put Harry in a headlock. The both parted and looked sheepish, and went back to their essays. Hermione simply rolled her eyes and went back to her essay on the effect of the lunar cycle on great events in history.

"Sometimes I wonder if I liked her better when she didn't talk to us." Ron complained in a whisper. At a glare from Harry he quickly added "I'm joking."

Harry looked over at the girl in the corner muttering to herself. In the last two weeks she hadn't put on much weight, but she was much happier. She was no longer hiding from people, and she had let her hair go bushy again. Once Ginny had heard what was going on, she took over Hermione's care. For the first few days Ginny did everything for her, telling her what to wear, what to do with her hair, and what to eat. This quickly got their Hermione back to old patterns, and back to school work. Ron had been a bit out raged when Harry had finally told him that they were dating, without mention the events on the couch he was sitting on at the time, but softened to the idea. Ginny had said something along the lines of "about time" and left it at that.

Everything is finally getting better.>> Harry thought, smiling widely, and got back to his essay.

---------------------------------------------------

(A/N)

Or is it! Muhahaha. Anyway, this brings me up to the point where I want to be. I probably could have started a new story, but I already got this one going. The next chapter will probably be fluff, but there's a big turn ahead!


End file.
